First, get yourself elected as an MP; second, team up with a more experienced MP and see what he/she has claimed for; third, put down all expenses come what may and bung in a chitty for same; four, plead ignorance or insanity when caught doing wrong – or just say you were following the example of others ("baa baa baa" came the cry).

Let's be honest, if we were presented with the same opportunity, wouldn't we do the same?

Why blame these hard-pressed elected gods of ours – they do have a hard time of it, being overworked for the six months-or-so they actually work, being underpaid a miserable £60,000-or-so, and having to have another home in London, albeit at no expense to themselves. They usually stay in their London homes, without their families, for four nights most weeks, at least when Parliament is sitting.

Why complain about the duck houses (poor ducks, having no houses), and yes, let's keep electricians fully employed by giving them a job replacing burnt out lightbulbs in your house.

So let's have no more complaints about these poor misguided people. Let's be thankful we are in a position to pay taxes to keep them in comfort and with a massive pension at the end of their time in office.

And now the truth is out in another high stakes game – Manchester United are selling their star player Ronaldo for £80m. and by all accounts the deal was done six months ago. Good luck to him, he will make millions playing for Real Madrid. Of course, Fergie will come up trumps again and buy another unknown who will be sold for a fortune in the future.

At the other end of the scale, I read Accrington Stanley are in trouble with the Inland Revenue to the tune of £300,000 and at one stage it looked as if history was going to repeat itself, with the club on the brink of bankruptcy.

Wouldn't it be nice if Ronaldo turned up at the Accrington ground with a week's wages in a briefcase as his departing gift to English football for his good fortune in playing here ... but don't hold your breath.

Just a thought – when I played in the old Lancashire Combination League, I got three shillings for expenses. Where did I go wrong?